Monthly Archives: July 2013

Do You Bend Or Do You Break?

Boundaries, Mindful Parenting, Mindfull Parenting, Parenting, Parenting Skills, Self-Control, , , , ,

IMG_3549Boundaries, a limit set by the parent, are extremely important.  Clear and firm boundaries make for security and trust.

“What do I do if they keep breaking the boundaries?”

Being in a situation when your preset boundaries are being tested or even broken is very stressful.  I had a lot of practice with this in my 8 years of working in child residential facilities.  I had to be on my toes all the time and emotionally guarded.  The biggest challenge was to move the child from point A to point B without having to physically touch them.  I had training, but I had to develop my own tricks.

Now, in my practice as a therapist, I may have very few cases of children becoming extremely difficult to manage.  The challenge I face is I’m very limited in my choices to get them to follow my directions.  The stress is compounded by the “what if’s”.  I’m challenged with still maintaining a boundary while not having a lot of authority but even with this constraint, the techniques I’ve learned have worked every time .  Yes there were two times the meltdown lasted longer than the given hour of the session, but thankfully it was at the end of the day.  It’s very important to have a successful ending of a session to ensure repeated successes in the future.

So what helped me reach a manageable conclusion?

1.  I mentally put aside all of the things that could interfere and add to my stress:  time, other people, doubt, property damage.

2. I used the same tone; calm, quiet, with almost with no inflection.  (e.g. voice flat and no change in the auditory level.

3.  My body language is neutral as well as the expression on my face.  I don’t show anger or happiness.

4. I state the direction (instruction) and I don’t engage in any other conversation.  If the child continues to ignore me, I will repeat the direction.

5. All I ever use are time-outs no longer than 5 min and at least 2 min.  I expect them to sit in a certain spot and to be quiet during the time-out or I will start the time over.

6. At the end when they calmed down I always focus on how they were able to make a good choice.  I want them to remember they can control themselves even when it seems impossible.

Word of Wisdom

Your emotions are linked to your thoughts, so start your day with successful thinking.

From a Child’s Mouth

T- “I love your honesty”

C- “I hate it… being honest and nice is disgusting”

Warning, I explode!

Mindful Parenting, Mindfull Parenting, Parenting, Parenting Skills, Self-Control, , ,

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Stop doing that!  Sit still!  Put that down!

It’s pretty frustrating when children won’t listen the first time. If they would listen the second time we would all be happy with that!  I’ve seen parents sitting at airports, in restaurants, at public places all over America repeat themselves over and over and over.  It seems as if the child doesn’t even hear them, or that the parent’s words have become like background noise to them.  Meaningless tones not much different than the parents on a Charlie Brown T.V. Special.

Eventually, in some cases, the parent has had enough and yells at the child or physically directs the child or makes threats like “No more blah, blah, blah for the rest of the week (month or year)!!”.  Now the kid is upset.  They cry or have an angry episode.  From this point on it’s anybody’s ballgame.  I could go on with all of the possible scenarios and some of you will be very familiar with them.  Obviously, this is not teaching anything to your child.  Side note…pretty much anything you do around your child can be teaching them something new, maybe good or maybe not so good.  Save yourself and your youngster further grief and set you and your child up for success.

Understand in advance that things can get a little hairy before they get better.  If you’re consistent  these situations will improve.  Develop your plan ahead of time.  You of all people know your child and know how s/he will behave a certain way during a certain situation.  If they step outside of the boundaries you’ve set be prepared to stand by the line you’ve drawn.  If you’re not prepared then don’t make threats.  It loses its power the minute you don’t follow through.  Yes, I know it can get ugly and all of the possibilities can get worse.  But if you are calm and committed you will succeed.

The parent’s mind needs to be full of positive problem solving skills instead of self-defeating thoughts.  Preparation increases Success. Pick up a book or two with some direct parenting skills.  Their job is to teach you a way to parent.  I see my job as to help you have the mindset to be open to changing old parenting patterns to new ones that will help create a more pleasant relationship between you and your child.

Word of Wisdom

“In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.”   – Tony Robbins

From a Child’s Mouth

“My mom thinks she’s God, but won’t say it because she’s religious”

Round and Round

Boundaries, Counseling, Mindful Parenting, Mindfull Parenting, Parenting, Parenting Skills, Self-Control, Therapy, Uncategorized, , , ,

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Who has gone round and round with their child trying to explain, “why”.  Did they ever stop and say, “Ah, I get it.  Thanks, I will do what you say?”  Good for you if that has happened.  You don’t need to read any further.  For those that are not fortunate please let me help.

Stand in one spot and just spin.  Don’t hold me liable if you hurt yourself…actually don’t try it.  Just imagine what you may feel like if you did.  You get dizzy and if you’re like me you get a little sick in your stomach (I blame Six Flags for the weak stomach).  I will loosely compare that physical reaction to spinning to what it is like going in circles with a child who doesn’t want to listen and will do anything to keep you from that goal.

“Why”

“Other kids don’t have to”

“You’re the only parent who does that”

“You don’t love me”

“(insert one yourself)”

Most people feel they need to answer.  It doesn’t work.  I wonder if this is where the classic comment of, “Because I said so” came from.  Rarely does the child want to know the answer or care what you have to say.  The main purpose is to distract and avoid until you’re flustered and even discouraged.  Does it cause you to doubt if you’re a good parent or maybe even frustrate you to the point of feeling angry and losing your temper?

How do you get them to follow your instruction and to stop wasting your time with questions when they don’t like the answers?  What are the parenting books saying?  There are some good ideas out there.

Until you’re able to do your own research, I want to give you a simple thought.  What would happen if you just stayed calm, ignored the question and repeated the direction?

Don’t get into the dialogue just stay with the direction

What if your focus stayed on the direction you are giving your child and you choose to not answer their question until later?  Maybe it’s not so bad to wait till the evening or next day before you discuss with them the reasons behind your instruction.

I’m curious how many kids would still be interested in having the answer?

 

Words of Wisdom

“Never complain, never explain. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or make excuses.”
― Brian Tracy

 From a Child’s Mouth

“I don’t have to lose well, because I always win”